My mother is moving in with me, along with my wife and 3 children. Yes, there will be difficult times, but over-all I think it's the best thing. My children will be closer to their grandmother. My wife is very open and understanding with my mom, and as a result I think both will benefit. Me, well, it's my mom, the woman who gave me birth and raised me when I needed her most. How could I turn my back on her now?
This morning, feeling like she may be a burden to us, my mom said "I wish I had enough money to buy an apartment." For me, the money is not as much of a factor as not wanting my mom to live alone. I recently saw a great movie called the "Edge of Heaven" where one character says, "Only God should be privileged to live alone." I have plenty of apartments where my mom could live either rent-free or low rent. And even if I couldn't do it alone, then my 2 brothers would happily help.
It got me thinking about a tenant that I had in the past. I bought a building, and one of the tenants was a very old woman, living alone (I'll call her Eva). I remember her as being a very sweet old lady I would stop by and chat with her every now and then. She spoke so proudly of her late husband and how they emigrated from Poland. She spoke highly of her daughter "The doctor" and her son-in law "The Doctor." Oh! And of course the grandchildren! There were 2 of them, a boy and girl, both attending prestigious Ivy League Universities.
About 7 years later, in 2005, Eva passed away. Her daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren all gathered to collect her belongings. I had only met her daughter in the past, and as I watched them come and go for several days, I felt like I knew them through the stories I was told. I quickly realized that the bond was one sided, as they walked by me with barely a glance. To them, I was a stranger. On the verge of tears, I contemplated talking with the grandchildren (who were now post college) and telling them how proud their grandmother was of them. Only I couldn't because it seemed that they lost (or never had) a connection with their grandmother, so I didn't bother.
For years, I felt really sorry for Eva, but on that day I really felt sad for her grandchildren. They lost so many precious times with their grandmother that they will never be able to recover. How could I not take
my mother in? I owe it to my children and their grandmother. I admire the person responsible for creating the mother-daughter house, only I wish it were called grandmother-granddaughter instead.
Hey, Peter. I am sure that your Mom is so proud of you. What a great chance for your children to know their grandmother even better. All my best, Jim
Peter- I could easily cry for Eva, the children and the grandchildren. The saddest part to me is they do not even know what they missed. I know so many Evas, especially from the Old Country, and the kids living here do not appear to have the same bonds as you said.
And good for you, and all of your family for opening your home to your Mom. The hardest part is older people want their independence and moving in with the kids takes that away. That is one reason for their own apartment.
Jim & Maria, it is I who is proud of my mother for had it not been for her, I wouldn't be who I am.
Kathy, thank you. fortunately my mom is still young enough to be completely independent and she could very well live alone, but she doesn't want to and neither do I.
Kim, what a great idea, especially since one day we will all be grandma's and grandpa's and we will long for our own grandchildren.
Peter, bravo to you, what a fine son. I admire yours and your families compassion and respect for mom.
BTW, what a beautiful picture!
Peter, great story and great reminder for all us. Please don't forget that this situation might not be as easy for your mother as you would want it to be.
Peter, Good for you. The flip side is that some people don't want to live with their children. They prefer to preserve their independence. Thanks for writing. Veronica
Duane, thank you. that pic is a few years old, my daughter is now almost 16.
Sonja, you're absolutely right, she has shed quite a few tears regarding this recently
Veronica, I mean no disrespect to anyone who wants/needs their independence, I just thought the phrase from that movie "Only God should be privileged to live alone" was very powerful. If you can, I highly recommend the movie (edge of heaven - a german/turkish movie).
Great article Peter, as Eva set you in motion with a life lesson that you could relate to your own mother and to not let time slip away. Many of us too often do that, but you won't due to your thoughtfulness. This was VERY well written.
You are truly one of this world's nicest people, Peter. I can tell and I've never even met you. Mom is a lucky person to have you!
Gary, thank you, this means a lot coming from you.
Barbara, it's easy to be nice when you have a lot to be greatful for. therefore I am lucky to have the mom that I did.
I couldn't picture myself in a few years without any family around. But I fixed that, we moved into the family compound, couple of residences on a large parcel. Helping to enlarge my childrens home with an addition, for my future retirement years. In the meantime I am living and working in Rocky point Mexico when I finally can't live alone I will be set. Charlotte Bohner at Coldwell Banker Rocky Point Mexico
Charlotte, great plan, good for you (and your children and grand children?:-)
Peter- What a wonderful side of you for us to get to know!
Family is what it is all about. I spend every chance I get with my 5 grandchildren- They each know they are the loves on my life- my fab five!
As a child, I had the best grandmother- She spent hours and hours with me playing, teaching and loving me. I knew in grandma's eyes I was perfect. I want that relationship with my grandchildren. I want them to look back and know that nothing was more important in my life then spending time with them.
The relationship your children will have with your Mom will be a special one indeed.
I love the picture- it says volumes!!!!
Pete- I'm glad to see that your family is all on the same page about your mother coming to live with you. I hope that it turns out to be time that everyone will treasure for years to come. Well written post.
What a touching story! You are so right....the real loss was not on Eva's part, but her grandchildren. While growing up, my family had my grandfather come live with us for a time. It was a great experience to get to talk to him, and hear his stories.
All the best to you and your family.
Barbara, thank you. I know you truly understand from all perspectives.
Matt, there are difficulties in all situations, you just have to weigh it out and choose the best solution. For us, this works well and hopefully it will continue this way.
Pam, I'm glad you see it like I do. Those talks and stories make us who we are, they're a great and fulfilling part of life.
Peter - I can really understand this situation, my grandmother came to live with my parents when I was a teenager. I was double blessed since my other grandparents lived next door. This is an experience my children missed out on. I still can recall many great moments with my grandparents. Best wishes to your family, yes it can work.
Jennifer, thank you for sharing your experiences. I also have my in-laws just down the road. they have each other and don't need us right now, but I see in my childrens eyes that they like having them close by.
I love spending time with my grown daughters and their families. I feel grateful to be included in their lives. Unfortunately, we don't all live in the same state. My mom lives by herself and I'm really hoping we will live together when she gets the nerve to move here. It's tough to up route parents but Tucson is a whole lot warmer and easier lifestyle than living in upstate New York. I really appreciate your message.
Robin, wow! you have grown children (and grandchildren?) would never guess from your profile pic. Yes, I would imagine it would be a lot better for your mom in arizona, but I know sometimes it's tough to just get up and move across the country especially as people get older. luckily for the space age we can always fly for visits. and let's not forget the Internet and video chatting with grandma :-)
A very touching post Peter! Are you Croatian?.....I think its very neat that you've invited your mom to live with you - and I also think its very loving and gracious of your wife...........having grandparents in your life is a blessing - for your kids..............and re your story about Eva......I've always had a soft spot for older people...
As for a one-sided bond.........that hit a bit of a nerve........it wasn't one sided......it was You and Eva..........the fact that her kids didn't know the role you played in her life is sad, I've seen the same thing happen. Someone fills in the role the kids should be fulfilling.............and they never even acknowledge that fact that someone stood in for them, and provided something they weren't there to....hmmmm..
Liz, sorry, not Croation. My wife is great with my mother . . . very open and understanding . . . it is probably the single most important thing that makes this possible.
You hit the nail on the head. that's exactly what happened. I initially started this blog with the focus on Eva, and my original title was supposed to be "why should I support your mother?" or something like that. I can't say that I played the part of her child, but her rent was extraordinarily low (30% of what it should have been), but I didn't have the heart to raise it. On top of that I spent much time with her over the years. So I guess I may have played a bigger role than did her own children.
When no acknowledgement was made, I realized that they did not know my role with her, which means they didn't have much of a role with her. that was sad.
Wow, you sure did hit a spot there...got me in tears. You are doing the best thing...tough or not, I applaud you, especially after that story, bravo to you...enjoy the time you have left with her...
Patrice, thank you. hopefully we will have a lot of time since she is still not yet 64. btw, the photo above is my grandmother (she's 80 - mom's mom) with my daughter. I just thought it was a perfect picture for this blog.
Hey Peter, sorry about that, I read another post afterwardson your site where someone sent you an email in what I though was Croatian, plus typically names ending in "ic" are.....oh well, maybe another former yugoslavian country.......and even that pic of your grandemother, I thought she looked slavic! lol See how we jump to conclusions! Your mom is only 64 wow that really young, you will have a long time with her no doubt! >-)
Liz, you're right, my grandmother is slavic (Montenegrin) and yes you read that other blog right, there is a croatian woman who sent me a contact that I used as the example :-). also "ic" is slavic (croatian, serbian, montenegrin, etc)
My mother's family is Montenegrin (formerly Yugoslavian) and my father's family is Albanian from Montenegro.
Good for you, Peter...it is right to honor parents! God promised to bless those who do.
Nathan, thank you, I already feel blessed, but if someone wants to throw an extra couple of $mil my way I won't say no :-)
I recently lost my grandmother this year. I had dinner with her almost every Sunday. She cooked for our entire family (25 people) every Sunday because getting together was sooo important to her. We haven't seen much of each other since she passed away but I don't think I ever realized all she brought to our family through simply cooking lunch every Sunday. I miss her tremendously. She was an angel.
Good for you that your enabling your children to know that same relationship. They will remember the next few years for a long time. I know it will require sacrifice on your part but your family will gain so much.
Wendy, I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. you were very lucky to have her. don't worry, you will all see each other again. she instilled it in all of you. it's just a matter of time and finding another anchor.
So I wasn't far off..:-) do you speak the language?....I was born in Zagreb but came to Canada as a baby - my grandfather was Bosnian...........at one time we would have been fellowmen..........now we are in a different way...:-)
Liz, you weren't far off at all. when I left Montenegro, it was still a state of former yugoslavia (yes, we were countrymen;-)
I am fluent in serbo-croatian (now it's all seperate - croatian, serbian & montenegrin:-) and albanian including reading and writing. I just have to work on my english:-)
Well i speak/write fluent croatian too......so if we ever have to write in code we can...:-) Also I was looking at your city, "Pleasantille" oh my gosh what a great name, you must be able to play the movie "pleasantville" off that all the time! :-)
You are imparting a great gift to your kids by taking in your mother. I never knew my grandparents well enough. They all died by the time I reached age 11, though I have aunts and uncles old enough to be my grandparents! :) Very touching story.
Liz, pa mi mozema da se rasporazumjemo u hrvatski jezik. jes, ja zivim u pleasantville, i mnogo puta kazem ljudima da je isto ka onaj film pleasantville :-) razumijes? hvala puno.
Angela, faljiminerit tu per kta fjal :-) a mer vesh? mir per tu se i ke axat, dajat, halat e tezjat ci i ke si gushi e gushja :-) adin me ljezua en shqip?
I couldn't agree with you more. Family, and being there when its really counts. We don't live to ourselves and for ourselves. A wise person once said, "It takes 1 woman to raise 6 or more children, but it takes 6 or more children to take care of 1 old woman."
There are blessings beyond measure when you do what is right all the time. That includes what you are doing. All women will be mothers and grandmothers one day, and we women need to do for others as we want others to do for us.
Great job blogging, thank you for your encouragement in your comment response to my blog. God is good all the time. Have a great rest of July. Lu
Hi Peter,
Your story has a happy side and a sad side. The happy side, of course, is the way you are taking care of your Mother and the wonderful memories and relationship that would come from that. The side side, is Eva's story. Her children and grandchildren may have been privileged in some eye's but very deprived in mine.
Lu, thank you. great saying "It takes 1 woman to raise 6 or more children, but it takes 6 or more children to take care of 1 old woman." I never heard it before, but makes a lot of sense.
Cynthia, thank you, yes there was both sadness as well as happiness. A special part of life can either be had or be lost.